It’s been ages since I posted something here.
I’m finally done with my finals and took a nap at noon last Friday after that, yet I woke up still feeling pressured and exhausted.
I was once the top dog in the seventh grade. But my grades have got on a roller-coaster that only goes down since the second year in middle school started and I’ve begun to give less crap about my school stuff. You may say that I’m insane for having an attitude like that because I live in the busy and education-is-everything Hong Kong but my father and Howe think otherwise.
Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.
Besides that, I have been losing sleep and focus because of Howe during finals and he is still bothering me. He is partly the reason why I’m going to flunk my exams this year. Well, he didn’t do it. I did it to myself. So, yeah, I’m crap because I do things that make me crappy.
I went on an impromptu “date” with one of my close friends, Gabrielle, last Friday to celebrate. As well as shopping, we gossiped about some fake schoolmates and talked about boys. Her ex-crush, Mickey, is being a jerk as he talks about his current crush a lot and he is acting very childish and noble. Gabrielle had to clean up the mess he and Chloe had made and the incident shredded her pride and image into pieces.
I know that feel, girl.
When we were still seventh graders, Mickey had a crush on Gabrielle and the feeling wasn’t reciprocated until the end of the eighth grade. However, when she opened her door leading to her heart and spreaded her welcoming arms to welcome Mickey into an embrace, he was no longer waiting in front of her door and this completely left my close friend heartbroken, confused and frustrated. The problem is that he now has a romantic interest that is likely to become his girlfriend in the future but he still plays with Gabrielle’s heart.
The reason why my ex-crushes and I are in good terms is because we keep the thing and conversation between us simple and we only look forward. When I really like someone, I am 100% into him or her. But when I know things is never going to work between us, I immediately step away from our little bubble of intimacy. The part of letting go is hard. Inevitably, tears are shed, my heart’s broken and my mind is divided into many things at once. Surprisingly and oddly, my friends say that I have the ability to heal fast as I only have eyes for either my loved ones or the unknown future that is waiting for me to live it. I agree with them.
However, letting go of Howe seems to be a very difficult task for me. This both surprises and annoys me.
I have been chatting with him constantly ever since our lunch back on 30th December, 2014. I stayed up late for him the day he departed. He left Hong Kong at daybreak but his family could only stay with him till 10 p.m. He suggested texting me until his time had come. Only a fool would refuse. I asked him how his family said their goodbyes. Howe said they were a cool family and their goodbyes were never teary. I scolded myself for crying the night he had to leave and when we were texting each other. I’m so pathetic. I could hardly let my tears stay inside. Who wouldn’t go berserk when the love of your life was about to go to another place far, far away?
I managed to calm down and I made sure my voice didn’t sound like I had been crying before calling him to bid him farewell for real. At first, my lips wobbled involuntarily when I whispered “goodbye” but then I smiled because I knew he would be coming back someday later in 2015. I am also glad that he didn’t realize I had been crying and that he didn’t ask if I was okay. If he asked me that, I would only let out a more pathetic sob and I bet he didn’t want to leave with worry.
Moments before we parted, he revealed a little secret. He firstly asked if I remembered the kiss I had given him in the train station. Of course, I remember. I rolled my eyes mischievously. The weird part was that my kiss on his cheek made his pants tight. I let out a hearty laugh and the rest of our conversation that night was history.
We’re still keeping each other in touch now. He messaged me just the other day and he shared his unpleasant encounter with a bully when he was playing football in a playground. He felt guilty and defeated as he couldn’t make the bully apologize and stuff and that his cowardice overpowered his power of justice. I reassured him and I think I was being way too serious like you tell jokes to your mom and she lectures you about life. He thanked me, though. Chloe thinks we’re doing fine as the male revealing his emotions to the other is a huge leap and development in the world of love. Judging by his physical attractions towards me, Gabrielle says he likes me very much. She thinks Howe was grasping for every single chance to touch me. Chloe said Gabrielle was being too optimistic and unreal. Although I really hope what Gabrielle said is true, my brain gave Chloe a thumb-up sign as her thought was more rational.
My head was all about Howe one night a few weeks ago. I dreamed that we went on a date wandering cluelessly in a mall. Who cares when I had him by my side? Our fingers were tangled and I stroked his cheek a few times. I even gave him light pecks on his cheek. Once again, it surprised me as his skin was smooth and soft to the touch. The feeling when I was with him was lovely. Most important of all, I wasn’t nervous. There were no butterflies in my stomach. This shows that I can be my true self without pretending and satisfying someone when I am with him.
I’m not saying that he is my forever. Forever doesn’t exist because I haven’t experienced it. When the time I eventually have a taste of eternity, my heart either has to be extremely overjoyed or feeling down to the dumps. What I’m saying is that my heart has really strong feelings for him right here, right now. I am willing to do anything just to stroke his immaculate face or wrap him into my arms. He may not feel the same way I feel for him but I am infatuated with him and my friends say my emotions are highly contagious.
Lately, my mind has been playing a scene of Howe and I slow dancing in the gigantic and deluxe ballroom from Beauty and the Beast. Candles were lit so that the Moon could get a glimpse of the intimate scene starring him and I. Instead of having Lumiere, Clocksworth and Mrs Pott serenade the dance, my ears were muffled by Ed Sheeran’s angelic voice. I was wearing a strapless sheer overlay sheath. My crimson gown was as dark and bold as a tragic love story. Surprisingly, my raven black hair was glossy and it veiled my shoulder blades in soft waves.
I couldn’t see the face of my partner as he was clouded by a layer of obscurity. This was partly the reason I wasn’t smiling the whole time because I couldn’t see him. It frustrated and confused me. But I knew it was him. I just knew I was dancing with Howe because never in my life will I forget the way he took my hand and how soft, delicate and mesmerizing his skin felt against mine, which is oddly rough and chapped.
People fall in love in mysterious ways. He took my breath away and swept me off my feet when he turned me around. Maybe just the touch of a hand. When he got hold of my hand and pulled me to his chest, time stood still and my heart stopped beating. All I could hear was his undying and musical heartbeat. I would never ever get tired of listening to it. It is heavenly music to my ears.
After like eternity under the dark but adorable moonlight, I finally realized what we were dancing to–
Howe and I waltzed across the splendid marble floor to Ed Sheeran’s Thinking Out Loud under the light of a thousand stars. If you asked me, I would say our magical moment was no different from eternity and my burning soul is evergreen.
Oh, only if he was really in my dream and felt the same way.
If only I knew how he thinks of me.
The Petty Perceiver 